Ladies, do you struggle to focus during special time with your spouse? Does your mind wander to the grocery list, the kids’ science project, or the stuff you left undone that day?
If that’s you, and I think it’s most of us, then stay tuned because today I am giving you 5 tips to help you stay present during sex.
But first, have you set some huge goals for 2020? Are you ready to make this the year you take your life and dreams to the next level? Do you own a service-based business and you’re ready to grow it beyond your wildest dreams?
If you answered yes to all of those questions, then let me invite you to join the Feel Amazing Naked Inner Circle. In this inner circle, we will keep health as the main focus and use that extra energy we get from taking care of ourselves to explode our businesses.
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Now, let’s get to the good stuff.
Where Is Your Head?
There are plenty of articles written about increasing connection through increased cuddling and extended foreplay. You can get plenty of advice on how to spice up your sex life or how to pursue your spouse more frequently.
What we aren’t talking about is the fact that you can be right there with your partner, extremely physically present, but mentally and emotionally be in another world entirely.
And if your life is anything like mine, “getting together” isn’t getting easier. Busy schedules, growing kids, and the demands of life make those moments of connecting harder and harder to find.
So, when we do find some time, I don’t want to be off somewhere else in my head writing out grocery lists! Are you with me?!
My husband and I have a great history of being very connected intimately so when I found myself drifting, I knew I had to do something to bring my focus back. I never want him to think I don’t want to connect with him or that I’d rather be somewhere else.
If you find yourself struggling to stay focused during sex, here are my 5 tips on how to be deeply connected during sex.
Tip #1 – Get Connected to Your Own Body
One thing I see over and over with my clients is that when you start to take care of your body and learn to love it; when you show up for your body day after day; when you build your self-confidence; you start to feel comfortable with your body and that always spills over into your sex life.
I want to be totally transparent here, even if it does make my husband squirm. A few years ago, before I began my own personal transformation, I was extremely unhappy with my body. There was a time at the beginning of my journey where I absolutely refused to take my shirt off in Justin’s presence.
I was like, “Don’t turn on the lights and don’t look. Just get what you need and let’s be done.”
And can you all agree with me that there are some very real dangers in that attitude? Not only is there a body image issue, many of them, but we were both missing out on true intimacy.
Getting connected to your body has nothing to do with your jeans size. Or your chest size. It has everything to do with fueling yourself with good food and doing things that give you energy and make you feel strong and sexy.
Listen, you don’t have to love where you’re at, but you can damn well love the journey you’re on to get there. And when you do arrive at the destination, you can enjoy every day of maintaining that self-love.
How you feel about your body moves into your relationship with your partner so work on your self-confidence to be more present during sex.
Tip #2 – Talk to Your Partner
It’s time to come clean, ladies. If you’re struggling to remain present during those most intimate moments, you have to talk to your partner about it. Not talking about it pretty much guarantees that it will continue happening.
If you are hiding feelings of anger or bitterness, or if you’re just really struggling to be present, your partner deserves to know that. Because if you don’t share them, they will grow.
And please remember one thing – your husband can’t read your fricking mind.
So, if he’s making his move and you see things heading in “that” direction but your head or emotions aren’t there, communicate that to him.
Tip #3 – Get Connected Outside the Bedroom
Ladies, if you aren’t connecting with your partner outside the bedroom, you can pretty much forget connecting inside the bedroom.
Sex in marriage isn’t meant to be a wham-bam, thank you ma’am kind of experience.
If you feel like there’s some sort of invisible barrier between you when that special moment comes? If so, it’s time to take a closer look at how you interact outside the bedroom.
Are you sharing your daily struggles? Are you celebrating your daily wins together? Or are you letting life go by so fast that you no longer make the effort to come together and actually share life at all?
One of my favorite ways to stay connected to my husband is, after we put the kids to bed, to leave the television off and to just sit together and talk about our day. It could be a quick phone call during a busy day to check in and say, “How are you? What can I do for you?”
It’s too easy to let the hamster wheel of life keep you spinning away from your partner, so make regular efforts to jump off the wheel and to purposefully do life together.
Tip #4 – Surrender Control
Ladies, we like…no, we love…no, we need to be in control.
The absolute need to be in control directly impacts our ability to enjoy any experience, not just sex.
What would it look like if you just relaxed, closed your eyes, and decided to be in the moment 100%? What if you made the choice to let go of your control over a situation?
I’m not talking about anything weird here; I just mean letting go of your need to control the timeline and the outcome, and instead, being in the moment and enjoying it for what it is without trying to steer it in a certain direction.
Tip #5 – Get Present During Sex
Honestly, this is the hardest one for me, so I’m going to liken it to meditation in order to explain it.
So, I get feedback from clients all the time that they can’t meditate because their mind is full of thoughts that they can’t turn off. Friends, the process of turning off those thoughts is meditating!
The more you can push those thoughts away and clear your mind, the more you will be present; not only during meditation but also during the rest of your day. Imagine your hand literally pushing those thoughts away.
The great thing is that the more you practice showing up every day and learning how to turn off the thoughts, the better you get at it.
And guess what? The more you practice showing up with your partner and pushing all those intrusive thoughts away, the better you get at that, too.
It’s a conscious decision to get out of that headspace that pulls you away and back into the presence of the person you’re with. And that allows you to relax into the moment and enjoy it.
I am no subject expert in sex. But I think that’s all the more reason I should talk about it.
As I share the real struggles that I have, I can also share the strategies that have helped me, and that have helped my clients.
I would highly encourage you to choose one or more of these tips to get more connected to your partner during your most intimate moments.
There may be many layers of this onion that you have to peel back before you get to all the root causes. If you don’t know where to start, I am here to help.
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