Are you afraid of losing the passion in your marriage as the years go by? How do you keep the intimacy and passion alive and growing during sex with your partner?
Those are the topics we are discussing today with my guest, Alexandra Stockwell.
Alexandra Stockwell, MD is a Physician turned Relationship and Intimacy Expert who is known as The Relationship Catalyst. She is the creator of the Conscious Partnership Program and the author of the forthcoming book “Uncompromising Intimacy”.
But before we dive into my discussion with Alexandra, which I know you are going to love, I wanted to give you a bit more information about the exciting new project I’m calling The Feel Amazing Naked Inner Circle.
This is a long-term program that combines an up-leveled health focus with an approach to building a heart-centered and passion-forward business.
This group is especially for any woman who has stepped into creating a powerful maintenance phase of their health, and the resulting confidence has enabled them to pursue a passion they’ve always wanted to follow.
I will be leading this small group of women by bringing in experts who are both health and business-centered, to help these women create a sustainable business where their health is at the core and they are serving a greater good in their business practices.
If you are curious about this group and feel like it might be the perfect fit for where you are in your life, email me at email@example.com and we can chat further about the possibilities.
Now, onto my conversation with Dr. Alexandra Stockwell.
Are You Pursuing True Fulfillment?
Alexandra was a physician with a busy practice when she realized that she was prioritizing her patients and business over her family, and her family over herself. She decided to take a sabbatical which ended up becoming her letting go of her practice.
And yet, a few months down the road, she once again found herself overcommitted, this time to a volunteer project at her children’s school.
Can you identify with Alexandra’s struggles? I can. A few years ago, I was so completely absorbed in changing my body that I was ignoring everything else in life. I thought that if I could get my body to look the way I wanted that I would finally be fulfilled.
What are you looking to for true fulfillment? Is it being the best mom? Is it being the one who goes on every field trip or brings the cupcakes to every class party? Are you sure that if you could lose 25 lbs you would finally be happy?
Alexandra wants us to recognize that almost always, the way we pursue fulfillment is by taking care of someone else, whether that’s our kids, patients, customers, or clients. Rarely do we seek fulfillment by honoring ourselves and our dreams. Society Rewards the Doing, Not the Being
When is the last time you rewarded someone or were rewarded just for being? Alexandra reminded me that we clap and cheer when our child takes their first step, but who’s clapping when the child is quietly sitting on the floor, looking at a book?
Our kids are praised and rewarded with good grades when they do well on a test at school, but who rewards the child who is kind to a fellow student on the playground?
Women are resilient and steady and able to accomplish huge feats, like giving birth. But do we reward the woman who is rocking her baby in the same way we reward the woman who is up making breakfast for her family 3 days after having a C-section?
We don’t. We as a society focus on doing. We reward action. But the strength of a woman lies in being. It is easier to wash the dishes and make dinner and lead the PTA than it is to sit outside with your child and watch the sunset.
Everything That Isn’t Sex Is Foreplay
When speaking of long-term committed relationships, (marriage or cohabitating) Alexandra says that everything that isn’t sex is foreplay.
The way you interact with your partner throughout the day is either building toward passion or it isn’t. Obviously, life isn’t erotic all the time. Alexandra’s point is that our sex life isn’t as compartmentalized as we like to think it is.
The average couple in America spends less than 4 minutes per day talking about anything other than kids and logistics. Is it any wonder that we see passion dying the longer we are together with our partner?
Think of what it’s like to fall in love. You are trying to learn everything you can about this person and who they are. You spend hours talking and asking questions. You, also, are revealing to them who you are.
But as we get to know that person on a deeper level and begin to feel safe, we tend to ask fewer questions.
Alexandra encourages couples to continue to ask each other open-ended questions. We tend to forget that our loved ones are always growing and changing just as we are, and just because we think we know them better than anyone else, there are so many things we don’t know and will never know unless we take the time to ask.
Some recommended questions are:
- What are you excited about today?
- What are you dreaming about right now?
- If you could change one thing about our life, what would it be?
- When is the last time you told a white lie? (Don’t start with this one.)
If your partner is willing to engage in these conversations, don’t use this as a time to criticize his answers. It’s more important to be thankful that he was willing to share with you than that you agree on everything he says.
How to Go Into Difficult Conversations
When you first begin asking these types of questions, Alexandra recommends that you stay in a very safe territory. This creates a positive experience for both of you and makes the conversation less frightening and less vulnerable.
But there are going to be times when you need to discuss something deeper or that puts you in a vulnerable position. When that happens, Alexandra says you need to begin by letting your partner know that you have something a bit complicated or vulnerable to share.
And then, ask your partner if he is available to hear it.
You need your partner to have the option of saying yes or no. They get to choose whether they are ready for this more difficult conversation.
If your partner opts into the discussion, you begin by explaining why you’re talking about whatever the thing is and you then present your desired outcome, which should be a win/win for both of you.
*Listen in at 27:00 to hear a fantastic example Alexandra gives that we can all relate to!
Focusing on the Long Game
When speaking of everything in life being foreplay, that in no way means that we as women have to be thinking of sex all the time or acting in some certain way.
What it does mean is that we go through our days with our eyes on the prize.
I have to realize that my attitudes, my actions, and my words all lead to either deeper connections with my husband or to pushing us apart. The passion in our marriage is based on how we interact when we aren’t having sex, not the other way around.
Whether it comes to our health or our relationships, we so often focus on the short-term rewards and instead, we need to focus on how our daily practices stack up to move us toward more positive interactions and long-term goals.
Alexandra has published a book, titled Uncompromising Intimacy, which goes much more in-depth with the things we’ve talked about today.
Our society says that compromise is the key to relationships. And Alexandra strongly disagrees.
She believes the key to long-term, passionate partnerships, emotional intimacy, amazing sex, and overall fulfilling relationships is to continue to refine your ability to bring all of who you are to the relationships, which means being accepting of yourself and of your partner.
The path forward is learning how to bring all of who you are in an uncompromising way, and when you do that it creates those sparks that you want to enjoy long-term in your relationship.
If you’d like to learn more about Alexandra and her work, you can find her at:
There may be many layers of this onion that you have to peel back before you get to all the root causes. If you don’t know where to start, I am here to help.
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